I’m shaping my life to be exactly what I want it to be. This probably sounds like I simply let the world adapt to my wishes and I enjoy it. But, let me tell you something – this is not an easy job.
You wouldn’t believe it, but it can be more difficult than living the life that you don’t want. That’s why a lot of people live in a way they don’t want – it’s easier for them. You’re the one that has to make this delicate balance between yourself and the world. Sometimes it is a bit complicated, and sometimes it’s not – you’re just too afraid to try.
To live exactly as you want to live, it means that you must constantly make conscious and deliberate choices between everything you want and don’t want. Every day, you’re questioning and weighing and writing diaries and messages and stories to yourself, to explain – you.
This means being very nervous when you’re close to fulfilling your dreams, that you haven’t shared with anyone, because they are kittens in a sack. What do you know in which way will something you think you want now, change you…
It means that most often, you have no idea of what you’re doing, because you cannot overwrite from someone else how to live the life you made out of your dreams. You can steal one, maybe two exercises – and then you figure out that you’ve got a different set of tasks to complete.
Therefore, you constantly tremble and hover, hoping that you’re doing the right thing (there’s no place where you can check that) and you force yourself to stand up, not give up – like before a math test (I really liked those, maybe that’s why I’m not averse to trying).
Yesterday I was so drunk on that game… I couldn’t believe in all wonderful things that are happening to me. It’s almost funny how I believe to myself, like a kid, that all I’m doing now is well, and that it is somehow leading me to where everything is as I would like it to be.
I send a message to my best friend (without an introduction that you got here):
„Alex, are we going to be okay?“
„How can we not be, my dear… Who would have known that things will work out this well?“
Find these people. Take care of such people. Be such people. Hope that this where you are now is just one of the turnings on a way to life, exactly as you need it. And ask someone dear to you, from time to time, to explain you life and mathematics… There is no shame in that.